And I know exactly why... EMOTIONS (and lots of them).
Emotionally I was a wreck before I started juicing. Sad, lost, confused, lonely, hurt and unable to connect to myself let alone Spirit. Yet here I am! Now I'm not saying I'm all better or that I've reached the other side already. Actually I'm still pretty sad today. Oh, I did a half hour of yoga which felt amazing followed by balancing my chakras and self reiki. I also chanted "Om Sharavana Bhavaya Namaha" which is a Hindu mantra for good luck. After that I finally felt well enough that I made this beautiful green drink with juice of 1 cucumber, 2 small green apples, 3 kale, 3 celery, fistful of each cilantro and spinach... ALL ORGANIC by the way.
So here I sit, centered, balanced, juiced and definitely feeling better than the past few days. Yet I know there is so much inner work I need to do and I want to do it but focusing has been incredibly difficult for me lately.
I bought a book last Saturday when I was picking up organics. It's called The Path of Emotions by Dr. Synthia Andrews, ND. I already own and read her book The Path of Energy and really enjoyed it. As I've been feeling very off lately I thought The Path of Emotions would be perfect for me. Alas, I can't get past page 17, which is the first page of Chapter 1. Took me 3 nights to get to page 17. Last night I couldn't even open the book, it just stared at me from my nightstand screaming "read me!" but all I wanted to do was sleep and cry. So I did.
I'm not sure what my path is anymore. I don't know which direction to go. I used to think that raw foods, this blog and potentially a raw book and recipes were in my future. After awhile though it just didn't feel right and I desperately needed to spend more time on my spirituality. Although I've been on my spiritual path for decades it wasn't until I went raw that my spiritual life started leaking out into everything I did and said. Three years ago I realized that maybe I should concentrate solely on spirituality in my 'off' time instead of haphazardly as I'd been for the past 7-10 years. That went really well for me for the longest time. My clairvoyance and ability to talk with those that have passed zoomed back stronger than ever, my intuition reached new heights and by taking some Reiki classes I felt like I'd finally found my calling. I was given two new spirit guides to help me and I felt so much love and compassion and strength. I could feel the healing energies when I helped not only myself but others and it was... well, just amazing! I also started working part-time as a psychic adviser on the phone and I believe it was just as healing for me as it was for them. Things seemed to be going along as well as could be given the state of my marriage and I knew that eventually we'd all move on and live happier, healthier (emotional) lives.
|Summer 2013 with my siblings.|
I don't know what happened. I think maybe it was the trip back to Nebraska. Being around so manypeople whom I felt didn't understand me, didn't truly love me and would never respect me. Possibly it was my mother who, although she has Alzheimer's, has never been, shall we say, 'nice' to me. I spent a week alone with her while my father took a well deserved mini vacation. I can't possibly explain everything that happened. The things she said to me. The way she looked at me with pure hatred. Not to mention the one night she actually told me she wanted to kill me, and believe me, she meant it. Maybe it wasn't even my mother but actually my siblings who, when I contacted them about just how bad our mother was, didn't believe what she said or how she treated me. Instead they flipped the whole thing around on me saying that I was creating the drama, I was upsetting our mother and that I needed to leave and basically, never come back. The years of physical and emotional abuse from our mother, that my siblings have admitted they lived through as well, didn't mean anything in the end. And yet, as I sit here typing some of my deepest hurts onto the world wide web, I will tell you something else about my family. I still love them. I will always love them, no matter what, completely unconditionally. I just wish that they were capable of the same.
Emotions. They are a necessary part of life, of love, of BEING our Spirit Selves. They are amazing when they are good and they hurt like hell when they are bad. Everything I've ever been through in my life; the loves, the heartbreaks, the highs and the lows, strangely enough I wouldn't trade them for a 'perfect' life. I AM who I AM. I am of the highest Spirit. I AM ONE WITH SPIRIT. I AM LOVE. I know that one day I will be healed. I know that someday soon I will find my path again. I am and have always been the eternal optimist even if my head has never made sense of it. Today I look towards myself, to my spiritual optimism, to my body's innate ability to heal itself of all the physical issues as well as emotional. Today I release all the emotional issues that I've carried around for so long in not just hope, but in FAITH, that I will find myself again.
|I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE PHOTOS. They are a compilation of pictures about chakras and kundalini that I loved.|